the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
