Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
