I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
