I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
pray to the hookup gods
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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