i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
