My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
