I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
