So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
