so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
