Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
