Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just gargled with NyQuil
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
