Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
