I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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