It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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