I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
