I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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