Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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