i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
