If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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