I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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