between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
