My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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