got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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