There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
