Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
This is the prime rib incident all over again
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
