She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I want a musical about memes.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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