i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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