Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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