I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
