to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
