I'm jealous of your bromance
Someone shattered a urinal.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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