my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
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Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
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I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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