I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
