if you like me you must not know who I am
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
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i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
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He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.