sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
