the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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