You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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