If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
