Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
