If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I just want nice things and good sex
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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