I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
