I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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