Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
