Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
