i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
