Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
