Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
