My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
