Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
