I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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