Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
