Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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