I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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