I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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