She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
