dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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