When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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