There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
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