Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
