So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
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